volume 2

I've been living with a coke addict for the last 15 months and was shocked and dismayed she chose her drug over me. So now I'm off to teach English in Korea...there they say never step in the shadow of a teacher.

A friend of mine tells me I am falling in love with my intellect again.

2500 a month to teach English to five year olds . A buddy says there are lots of drugs, beautiful women and much easy money. He says I may die. I know but not that soon.

I am chaotic. I go from touring Canada to touring Asia. Already I'm doubling back and going so far East it's to the west.

The voices are almost non stop in my head. Do this, do that, don't do this don't do that, I freeze and when i do something that's all there ever was...

and on and on...

I am stuck in a world of doubt, still unable to make decisions. Impossible to execute so why make plans. Beginning to feel the wildness again. My woman has left and it is time to go back to ...

Keeping minute notes of my ;life would be more interesting than many quick scribbles. Other times I'm satisfied with what i do. Richer than most poorer than some, money in the bank...

Look forward...know where you've been, know where you want to go. What's done is done...It's not all true ..it's not all lies...it is...

Why write? For money of course stupid. God awaits. Didn't you know that money was only an energy source. Mouth open I like fucking the face.

Do crazy people feel crazy or is it merely a judgement that sane ones reserve fro themselves...
I am not a Saint. i want to be in the game but when i think of the trophy i lose initiative..

Madness is an inability to separate imaginings from reality. Reality has blood and deadness as does my mind...

It's just a game. How could I say that? Yet I did. I am tired and still think I have to...

Emily Carrs work makes the Indian available to the white man. She observed, as a Native noticed from the outside, capturing an art form as an art form. Arrogant? What if some one carved the Mona Lisa. Her painting of trees are closer to the truth.

The phone rings at two in the morning. It is Mona wanting to come over. I say No and she calls again. This time I aced and say don't come too late. She says she is using someone elses cell phone and God loves me. We hang up and Gabe calls and says she has left the bar with some one else to do coke. I fall asleep around five, make a coffee and roll cigarette. Outside the sky is blue, the snow is white and the trees are grey and motionless...